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Sex is Not Porn

Editor's Note

When we first started The Kill by Raghunter, we had to think long and hard about what it we were going to cover. Our number one content topic is and always will be discovering local fashion - that's what we do day in and day out. We then realized that covering local fashion is more than what new collections have hit stores or what gift ideas we recommend. We need to find meaning behind why local fashion is the way it is.

Why is dressing up so important to Lebanese people? Why does it directly influence our well-being? Why do women and men in our society feel they need to dress a certain way? Why do we simply adopt what society thinks is trendy without challenging it? The questions are endless.

One of our 'why' questions sprung when we first met Ms Dana Sarhan, a licensed couples and sex therapist in Beirut. We started talking about female vs male empowerment, as depicted by how both sexes choose to dress. Digging a little deeper, we started discussing their sexual role, what implications this has on how they portray themselves to the world, and how this plays out on gender, power, and control in relationships and sexuality. We realized that although our generation has become more open about having sex, its taboo-ridden stigma holds us back from talking about everything related to it.

That's when we decided to join forces with Dana and tackle this as a united voice on The Kill as part of our Lifestyle section. Today Dana writes about a topic she hears quite a lot about from women she talks to around town: the largely undiscussed topic of porn and how it affects men's understanding and definition of normal sex.

Read with care and an open mind, Serene Abbas

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by Dana Sarhan

A man walks in the room. Bang bang. He penetrates the woman (or women) for consecutive hours non-stop while she's having the loudest orgasm. Cut. Scene is done. Now set design might differ. Different clothes. Brunette in this one, blonde in that one. Simple, quick, and incredibly satisfying for all parties.

What every human being wants, right?

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WRONG.

A huge complaint I get from women is the effect of pornography on men’s performance in bed.

Now before you jump to any conclusions, let’s look at why pornography might be ruining sex lives. I don’t mean to disrupt your porn regimen, and I'm not going to preach hard-core feminist ideas that you hear every day. I am going to talk facts, science, and sex.

The Truth About Pornography

Sexual Script Theory is Proven

Scientific research has proven that what we watch becomes our definition - and even our expectation - of normal sex. If a guy first 'learns' about sex through porn, rather than intimate experimentation with his partner, he is much more likely to regard that as normal sex. This is called the sexual script theory.

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Physical Appearance Fallacies

Male porn stars have hairless penises that are 6-9 inches long. The average joe has a penis that is 5-7 inches long. It plays along the myth that bigger is better. Scientific studies have proven that size doesn’t matter as much as how you use what you’ve got. And yes, there’s hair down there. No, it’s not a bad thing.

Female porn stars also have hairless one-size vaginas. In reality, women have hair and differ in shapes, color, and sizes. Female porn stars have body measurements that don’t quite depict the normal body.

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Unrealistic Arousal Time

We live in a fast-paced modern world. Our attention span is decreasing. Videos are a few minutes. To accommodate, the time duration of every porn scene/video is also decreasing.

Porn stars are instantly aroused within a few seconds. However, the average state of arousal for women can mount up to 15 minutes. It can take less but not in all cases. Impatiently waiting and expecting women to feel aroused instantly puts pressure on her. There goes her arousal down the drain.

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Underestimating Foreplay

Realistically speaking, when you fast-forward and skip the foreplay, women won’t enjoy it. Foreplay is not “before the play” for women. Foreplay is “the play” for women. That doesn’t mean that women don’t enjoy penetration. They do. But it comes along as a part of it all, not separate to foreplay. Don't jump the gun every time, I can guarantee that she will not like it.

Note: This is where the complaint that they feel “objectified” comes from. Porn isn’t shedding light on what they actually do want and it surely isn’t telling their story. Most women feel like these porn stars are blow-up dolls.

Two Hours of Penetration is Not What Women Want

Male porn stars can stay hours without ejaculation. They take medications and use several tools to maintain this erection. Truth is, most men ejaculate within 4 minutes of erection. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to keep going for longer periods of time. With practice, a lot of men can and do. But it sure doesn’t take hours to ejaculate.

It’s not necessary to penetrate for this long to get her to orgasm hard and wild. There are other factors that influence how good she feels and how intense she orgasms. How long you penetrate is not one of them.

See Also: "You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea – 10 Tips to Make Her Orgasm, Harder"

The Orgasm-by-Penetration Illusion

Female porn stars almost always have the loudest orgasms during penetration when in reality, 85% of women orgasm before or after penetration, not during.

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Modern Porn Doesn’t Do Your Erotic Intelligence a Favor

If we go back to the definition of erotic intelligence, it means to have a stimulated imagination and a continuous renewal of fantasies. An open space for you to explore and imagine. Without an EI, your sexuality is dead. There’s no fire.

Modern porn, unlike vintage porn, fails to present any story. It portrays 4-5 minutes of the whole picture. This can be fun for a Q&Q (quick and quiet) once in a while, but where is the challenge, the enticement, and the desire in all of that? There’s no storytelling. Think outside the box. Do you really want your life to be a series of Q&Qs?

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Sex Is Much More Than The Act Itself

Don’t get me wrong. Women like rough sex sometimes. Yes, they like leather, sexy outfits, fishnet tights, booty, and all that comes with it. You know, the kind of uninhibited hotel-room romp that can turn even the tamest women into wild animals. They want that too.

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Most people want to experience roles and situations in the bedroom they don’t get to do in the civil world. In fact, they might totally be against them in their every day life. That is totally okay. Your bedroom is your private area where you can do whatever you want to do. And sharing this experience with a partner is fun and loving. But pornography is not a reference if you want her jaw to drop and her toes to curl.

Referring to a porn scene to maintain a connection between you two while playing out roles you can’t play out in the public isn’t the way to go at it. Porn doesn’t really show the viewer what women want, how to turn them on, and how to unleash the beast within them.

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Dana Sarhan
Article written by

Dana is a couple and sex therapist. An awkward yogi, her sarcastic humor can take you off guard. She can talk endlessly and listen to you for hours. And by endlessly, we mean it.